Clint....

Clints one of our samplers. He's a good guys, a little socially awkward, and for a guy that probably earns only half of what I do seems fabulously wealthy.

He also likes getting fucked up the arse with a dildo. (yeah i know this post needs work. I'll get back to it l8er)

5 fingers

Like any workplace I'm sure, people at the mine are constantly trying to get you to do their work for them. After an entire swing of this happening to me I thought I better send a warning email to the incoming crew along with a few tips on how I politely told them to fuck off.

The Lab

The Mine's lab is like something out of the dark ages. I walked in there the other day and actually saw to Australopithecines eating termites from the wall with a stick from the wall before dry humping the splitter.

It is however on the books for an upgrade. Maybe now they'll finally turn that pesky lead into gold...

Xmas Parties, Pramod, and 'The Human Centipede'

It's that time of year again. Fat chicks and office nerds alike rejoyce. Its office Xmas party time!!! Our's ended up being at some suck arse Mexican joint. The trouble with Mexican is that every dish is merely a different combination of cornchips, salsa, beans and guacamole.

The fact that every dish served at this joint looked like a dog had thrown up on a taco didn't help. Nor did the one shot of tequila per margarita jug either. After a 2 hours of solid cocktail swilling I ended up having to order 6 tequila shots just to get me up to the level of drunkeness I felt I should be at.

The following to panels feature Pramod. Pramod is the hairest human I've ever met in my life. Sort of like a hindi Cousin It......

This next Panel will not befunny to any one who doesn't know us personally. In fact its not really funny to them either. I merely slipped it in here to fluff out some space.

We actually had a 'Human Centipede' and Pizza night not too long ago at Pramods house. It wasn't probably the best combination we could have picked however it has left a permanent scar on my psyche that I will never agian be free of

For those of you unfamiliar with the movie 'The Human Centipede' it is a must see for everyone I think. Just wait a while before consumer a meal, Especially if your anus is attached to some ditzy actress' mouth...

Team Survey

Russ, the Siegfried to my Roy....he hehm...the err Pinky to my Brain I mean took a picture of one of the surveyors - Muzz - and asked me to utilise my one special talent of taking the shit out of people via an electronic medium and do something with it.

Well when an opportunity like this comes along my brain starts to go into overdrive. In the end I made for little pics. I originally was aiming to combine them into one monster but as you'll see i don't think they'd really go together.....

Muzz himself is a top bloke straight out of some Australian outback mockumentary about cattle wranglers who posses uncanny ability to predict when the rain won't come.

He offered to have our end of year Xmas party in his shed. He was even gonna donate one of his sheep so we could have spit-roasted mutton burgers. Un fortunately I was the only one really keen on the idea.

He also has an unusual obsession (even for a guy) witth vaginas......

Asbestos

The mine happens to be mining unprecedented amounts of blue asbestos in the waste areas at the moment. A lot of people are a little on edge. Forget the million asbestos fibres the average joe breathes in each year just walking round the 'burbs. THIS ONE LONE FIBRE FLAOTING THROUGH THE MINE IS GONNA BE THE ONE THAT KILLS ME!!!

One of our jobs is to suit up Lindy-style and check to see if what people think is asbestos actually is, and not just some belly button lint they found on a rock somewhere.

Lindy

We had a new sampler called Lindy. She was an older lady, and South African. Now call me rascist, but white south Africans usually annoy the hell out of me. They seem to have a smug arrogance about them and always seem to know better. But not Lindy......or at least so I thought.

With her accent, blonde hair and kind motherly persona she started off seeming like the type of woman I could imagine saving orphaned leopard cubs and setting them free at a later date with a tear in her eye.

Then something changed. The accent got more annoying, the motherlyness became overbearing, she did know better. She morphed from some leopard cub raising born free movie star to the type of woman who I could imagine taking pot shots at dirty kaffirs from the back of an elephant.

She also had an unusual preoccupation with where as much PPE (personal protectective equipment) as possible. One would imagine you were removing toxic waste sludge form the mine, not samples of dirt.

Bye Bye Dave

I now officially have a side kick. A Pinky to my Brain, a Mini Me to my Dr. Evil, a Cheech to my Chong, a Seigfried to my Roy. Actually scratch that last one.

Dave, our senior planning engineer had decided to leave, For some this was a cause for celebration, for Russ ot was a call to arms.

You know how people steal garden gnomes and then send the owner postcards depicting the gnome in various tourist hotspots? Well Dave has a teapot. Russ took the postcard thing one step further and started send ing Dave ransom notes demanding he do various things as a sign of good faith, such as leaving out chocolate or not annoying people.

I gotta say I had minimal involvemnt but I did however get to write one or two ransom notes.....


Tue 3 August 2020
Dave, as you know we have your teapot. Your continueing failure to cooperate has left us with no choice. If you everwant to see it back in one peice again you must follow these instructions precisely. This is your last chance.

At 8:06pm tonight you must go to the ATM at the wet mess and attempt to withdraw $70. It won't work. There a girl from Sodexo will approach you. She will stand out as she has all her teeth and her natural hair colour. Don't worry, she has been instructed to watch for the tall geeky engineer with the big head. You will say to her"My card hasn't worked since I bought those Birckenstock Deck Shoes". She will say "It must be hard to find matching knee-high socks" to which you will reply "No, I get them cheap at Rivers".

She will then lead you into the cool room and lock the door behind you. Under a pallet of Coronas you will find a trapdoor. Open this and follow the tunnel to Joinsy's room. DO NOT TOUCH THE SOCK ON THE FLOOR.

In the northwest corner you will see a stck of Picture magazines under a half eaten chicken roll. The 3rd magazine from the bottom only has 2 pages which aren't stuck together. Combine the age of the Home Girl on the 1st page with 2nd letter of the vegetable mentioned on the other page and go to this room. Here you will find a black leather attache case, a Take 5 book and some cold seafood curry form 3 nights ago. Fill out a Take 5 for night driving and eat the curry. Its going to be a long night.

Take the LV parked outside and drive to the main admin building. Inside the attache case you will find $50 and a copy of Ironsafe Standard 3.8 for Mobile Equipment and Competancies. Sitting on the deck outside you will see a cleaner smoking. After he asks you if there are any positions available you will request he unlocks the door. You will give him the dollar amount corresponding to the age you first lost your virginity and the remaining 20 is for you. Inside Ironsafe Std 3.8 you will find a particular subclause highlighted in green. Tune the office radio to the same number as this subclause, press the button down for 3 seconds and say"The pale man has arrived", then cool like a pidgeon. Wait 3 more seconds the release the button. This will be the signal.

Outside a white Prado with no numbers on the side will pull up. Get in. The driver may try and distract you with questions such as "How did you contribute to the safe week" and "Where's all the High Grade" but you must remain focused.

On your way up to the ROM you will stop at the CSI haul road. The number of the 2nd truck to cross your path will match one of the ROM lockers. Inside this locker you will find a blindfold and an envelope containing something which feels remarkably like a contract to stay on an extra year. Put on the blindfold. Immediately you will feel a pair of burly hands spin you around several times. You may or may not be slapped on the arse and asked who your daddy is.

You will then be driven to a secret location where you will be met by a man with high waisted pants and a European accent. Open the envelope, sign the paperwork and give it to this man. The last thing you will remeber is a sharp crack on the back of your head.

When you awake the next morning it will be 4:47am and the teapot will be on your side table next to your copy of 'Long Term Planning for Dummies'.


The Potnapper



Wed 4 August 2010
We found a Sodexo girl with all her teeth but unfortunately she was unable to navigate from the ATM to the cool room. I think the door confused her. Also due to our inability to find a mag in Joinsy's room with any free pages you have been granted one more day of clemency.

The Teapot is being held in a secret location where the Ironsafe Standard 13.9 governing the humane treatment of gay kitchen ornaments does not apply. You will recieve further instructions tomorrow.

The Potnapper


Thur 5 August 2010
Your refusal to cooperate has left us with no other choice.

You won't be able to beg your way out of this one. Beers won't work either. Not even a nudie run around the village will suffice.....

The Potnapper

As you can see, Dave's teapot left West Angelas with a real bang, unlike Dave who left with a few pats on the back followed by an unusually long uncomfortable silence.

The Bledisloe Cup

Once again it was a pretty dismal affair all round for Australia. Not that I care too much as Rugby Union ain't really my thang. Unfortunately I was born with a neck and a moderate disdain for short shorts.

Trouble is, the office is full of Kiwis who once a year decide to take out all their pent up anger regarding sheep jokes and 'fush n chups' out on the Australians.

So I thought I'd point out a few home truths...

I think I picked the wrong one.....

Can you spot the odd one out. Pretty easy eh. The hot chick in the first pic is the only one holding a fish

Russ

Russ is my colleague and is just so awesome I can feel it through my entire body (including my pee pee). If he looked like me and thought like me I'd want to be him. Even though he swears he's never taken drugs he's gotta be on dexies or meth as he gets twice as many things done in only half the amount of time as anyone else, whilst still remaining outwardly cool.

In contrast I only get half as many things done but I do achieve this at the same rate as a normal person. I also gotta say while my outwardly appearance is still reasonably cool, I still can't get get away with wearing my underpants on the outside.

Our boss put Russ' name down to be the head of Pathfinder, an inter-Rio forum for information sharing. Kinda like facebook but not as cool. It's actually a great place to post stuff if you want some expert sitting in their climate controlled Perth office to totally shoot down any confidence you may once have had in your ability to do or say anything right. Consequently not many people ever put anything worth while up.

Needless to say Russ wasn't very happy. He prefer his work to be awesome.

Russ needed to order some clothing not too long ago. The usual form is pretty boring and had absolutely nothing in chartreuse, which I know for a fact is Russ' favourite colour.

So I thought I'd customise an order form just for him. I am still waiting however for Kangol to get back to me about their high vis range.....

The Take 5

I thought I'd try my hand at short story writing. Usually I focus on things that make me laugh but I thought I'd try something different and concentrate on the bane of my very existence - The Take 5. It is rather long for a short story and spoils the look of my whole blog but I think we can all get something out of it.

Edit: The Take 5 is a risk assesment we must fill out before attempting anything. The Mine Manager once busted someone for using the laminator without first writing out a Take 5. And for once I'm not actually joking......


It all happened on a day not unlike today.

I was up at the look out surveying the scene around me on my usual rounds through the mine. The sun was beating heavily down on my shoulders and helmet, and a lone zebra finch alighted on the sparse limbs of one snappy gums, branches heavily laden with years of dust which belched up from the pit below.

Ah the dust, churned up by the ceaseless activity of the ever-hungry diggers and the roaring wheels of the haul trucks. It languidly hung in the air like a thick brown fog, permeating through my skin to the very core of my being. I breathed it in deeply, letting it rush to the deepest corners of my lungs.

God I love West Angelas.

I continued on with my rounds. Rounding a corner on Ramp 5 I spied in the distance a group of contractors on one of the shots. Contractors, the very word made bile rise up in my throat. I could only imagine what Ironsafe Standards they were breaching. Spitting the acid taste from my mouth, I mentally began preparing myself for the impending interaction. The warm glow I normally get right before fucking somebody over began to flush through my body like a wave. And so I reached down to kiss the Rio logo on my shirt………..

Something was wrong! I felt a slight rectangular cavity in my chest where my Take 5 normally sits in my top left pocket. My Take 5 book - It wasn’t there!!!

A cold chill passed down my spine. ‘Okay, Okay’ I thought ‘Calm down’. I reached up to my right-hand pocket. It wasn’t there either. My heart began to beat faster and a cold bead of sweat began to run across my forehead. Struggling to remain in control of the panic I could feel rising in my body, I frantically began checking my trouser pockets. Dirty used ear plugs, a Caramello Koala, my mobile (approved for work calls only of course), and a post-it note containing the number of an LV I saw doing 50 through a 40km/hr intersection. But no Take 5 book….


I could no longer contain myself and I began tearing the front cab apart looking for it. A million thoughts began rushing through my head. My Take 5 for driving in the pit, My Take 5 for inspecting stockpiles, prestarting an LV, entering a shot, walking on uneven ground. Gone, they were all gone. My Pit Permit - what if someone wanted to see it! What if conditions changed, I didn’t even have a Take 5 to amend.

My mind worked overtime going over the myriad of different situations with minor risks which I could no longer identify or sort into different energy types. And then I remembered. My Take 5 book, clear as day I could see it there. Sitting on the corner of my 5 S’s desk atop a pile of notifications I’d planned to laminate and stick up in my room.....

Earlier that day I’d been educating one of the graduates on how every conceivable danger faced in ones working life can be covered within a set of 13 tick boxes. He didn’t believe me. Fool….

In my anger I’d forgotten to take it with me. I was overwhelmed by fear, my last, my only line of defence against the dangers of the mine (aside from administration controls) was gone. Man against mine. It was all just too much. Holding my knees up to my chest, I sat in the back seat rocking back and forth mumbling incoherently. My mind was swimming and tears streamed down my face. The last thing I remember seeing was those blasted contractors working 47m away from a drill rig without first establishing positive communication. God, were they mocking me.......?

A lazy fly buzzed through the cab and landed on my cheek. I swatted it away and slowly opened my eyes. It was so bright. Wiping the bleary mess of dust sweat and tears from my face I pulled myself up. ‘What had happened?’ I thought to myself. Had I passed out? How long had I been unconscious? Then it all came flooding back and it was all I could do to stop myself from blacking out again.


I needed assistance and I needed it now. An unsteady hand shakily began reaching for the 2-way. “Push the button, count to 3, and call mayday” I said to myself. Then, suddenly I had a thought. My cross shift had a bad habit of leaving his Take 5 book in the glove box. Countless times I had told him that a risk assessment may need to be conducted anywhere at anytime. But he never listened to me. Would his incompetence be my saving grace?

Almost frozen in anticipation, I hesitantly opened the glove box. My heart was racing at a million miles an hour. Peering in I saw what looked like a small maroon corner sticking out from under a thick wad of danger tags. Could it be? Slowly pulled them off and there it was. It gleamed so brightly it was as if Rodney Burns himself had dropped his pants and given me the brown salute. I could no longer contain myself. It was all just too overwhelming. I began to sob tears of joy and relief and had to breathe in and out of a green mining bag just to prevent myself from hyperventilating.

I opened the book and 3 filled out Take 5s fluttered down onto my lap. They hadn’t even been handed in. Shaking my head in disgust I leafed through the Risk Matrices and Environmental Incident Reporting Checklist til I found a fresh one. Thankfully, the biro I’d received for 20 years of continuous service was still in my pocket and I eagerly began writing. Time, date, description of work. Then I went to work on those tick boxes like an operator on Sodexho Pootang. Am I fit to perform the task – Fuck Yeah! Do I understand the job – nobody more so than me. Equipment – tick; safe condition – tick. Do you have an SWP – shit, do I have an SWP……I reviewed most of them and put them into the new format.

With each tick my confidence grew. The living nightmare I found myself in just a few minutes ago was fading like a distant memory, and like James Petty on his momma’s tit I began feeling that familiar blanket of security surround me once again. Filling out my 17 daily Take 5’s was usually the highlight of my day anyhow but this was something else entirely. My body felt lighter somehow, the various browns and beiges of the mine seemed so bright, so vivid. I freely admit I jizzed my pants somewhere between isolation and hot work. And I hadn’t even started on the energies.

Scarcely acknowledging the sticky mess my crotch had become I continued on. I flew through the energies like Joinsy through a triple cheeseburger with extra bacon and turned over the page. Effect the change. I rolled up sleeve where I had the Hierarchy of Controls tattooed on the inner of my forearm and continued writing.

I find there is something beautiful, almost transcendental about filling out a Take 5, as if the universe and I become one for just the briefest moment in time. That such a simple form with tick boxes can protect me from every conceivable risk is something truly cosmic.

I used to find the Effect the Change part way to short to list all my controls so while back I tried to push for the Take 5 to be printed on A3 size paper. But I since discovered splitting the simplest menial task which I do every day into 6 or 7 Take 5’s not only adequately addresses the problem, but also prolongs the pleasure. The PPE section is the easiest. When one sleeps, eats and shits in their hard hat and steel caps then little thought is required.

And then I was finished. I always feel a little spent after finishing a Take 5 and today was certainly no exception. 45 minutes later I’d finished writing another 3, almost record time, and then I was ready.

Now…….those fucking contractors.

Every office should have one of these hanging up

I originally made this for Pramod after a really tough day, but then I thought 'hang on, I'm awesome too'. So I added the little strips at the bottom for anyone having a shitty day

Wonder Woman

Jackie is a total work horse. She's one of the samplers and I also think she'd make a really awesome grandmother

Grade Control

Grade Control are a strange little department inhabited by graduate engineers chucked in so they get a 'feel' for how a mine runs and ex digger operators who want to get a feel for why they're asked to do such stupid things by graduate engineers. The digger ops are generally okay but those engineers can get a little trying.

As we're constantly striving for continual improvement I came up with a bockout format which I think they might understand......


I sent this to a few different geologists throughout the Rio Tinto net work and got this reply from Marty

Hi Rod,
I like it. Can I make a suggestion? We’ve put a vertical Rio Tinto logo down the top left hand side just like all official Rio correspondence/reports have. It gives the blockout a very official-looking stamp.
On another point, as well as ninja stars, could that metal be used to build a multi-spectral solar telescope array? I’ve got one half-built in my garage and just need a few more bits.
Finally, I would like to contest your assertion that China is the home of communism. Historians are largely in agreement that the theories of modern communism were outlined by Karl Marx with support from Friedrich Engels. Both were German émigrés living in England, making either (or both) country the ideological birthplace of communism. Furthermore, Deng Xiaoping’s market-orientated reforms beginning in 1978 have rendered China a communist country in name only. By removing one of the central tenets of Marxism (state ownership), China is now best described as the home of authoritarian bureaucracy rather than communism.
Cheers,
Marty.

Pretty funny but fairly in depth. I'm sure he's fairly spot on about China and I can't wait til he finishes his multi-spectral solar telescope but i think he may have missed the point. This is my reply

Cheers for the suggestion Marty,

A general rule of thumb we use here is if a concept contains more syllables than one has fingers on their hand then its not Grade Control friendly. No more than 3 syllables is generally considered ideal. For example – Yum Cha has 2 syllables, Ninja Star as 3, Communism has 4. Authoritarian bureaucracy requires the use of both hands and multi-spectral solar telescope array requires toes to be used as well.

We were considering dropping the use of words altogether and simply replacing them with happy and sad faces but we feel that that may be slightly insulting to their intelligence.

This one was done pending the Chinalco buying into Rio Tinto. The writing over the high grade says 'iron ore' and the writing over the waste says 'pineapple'.

Pramod

Pramod is a graduate engineer currently working in Grade Control. He is a funny guy and I like him a lot. As he is a good sport I tease the shit out of him. He is currently engaged to a nice girl back in India in an aranged marriage. But he doesn't seem fazed. It must be great knowing exactly what date your going to lose your virginity.

We all chucked in for a gift certificate to help him speed things along a bit but its still currently pinned to the wall. Fortunately its personalised otherwise I'm sure someone would have taken it by now.

One the other Grade Contollers was having a bit of a gathering and Pramod decided to invite himself along. He also doesn't drink but he loves his Coke Zero. So I sent everyone this....
He countered with this one. I gotta admit it is kinda funny. But I do think it lacks a certain finesse.

So he wanted a 'demotivational poster' off eh. He was stepping on my home territory and I gladly accepted the challenge.

Here is an assortment of what I sent him and everyone else across the next couple of hours....

Every day at 2pm we have a meeting which has to include a 'safety share' Pramod share was 'when washing your vehicle, be careful which rag you choose cos someone may have have used it as a jizz rag. It took many days and a complete covering of his chair and computer by randomn assorted rags before he lived that one down

Simple, but I think the message is fairly clear.

This one I particularly like cos (a) It looks almost identical to Pramod's dog and (b) it was waiting right there for me on google images. You'd be amazed at what comes up when you search for 'Dog with Dildo'.

Pramods a big fan of Maggi 2 minute noodles - Masala flavour. No, I'd never heard of them either..........

My Boss

Hard at work as usual

K-Dizzle

There is little that needs to be said about Kelly. But I'm sure I'll think of something soon enough....

Fozzy

A good mate of mine Matt works up here as well. I've known him for quite a few year back from my old exploration days . He's a real nice guy, generally a hard worker but seems to have an enormous chip on his shoulder about all sorts of things depending on who currently employs him at the time.
Most people find after a few hours hanging out with Matt they want to just randomly start stabbing people but I think he's a great bloke to go to to when you need to let off a bit of steam.




Recently Matt when on a motorcycle tour of New Zealand. He was gone for quite a while so I made up some welcome home cards when he started back at work

The Flange

The Mine decided to have a drawing competition. After cleaning up with the photography comp and winning myself a neat little digital camera I thought I'd try my hand at drawing. I thought if successful I'd grace everyone with a regular comic strip about the mine.


Despite making it as non-offensive as I am capable of producing the end result was a 'note to file' and an even greater hatred of the mine.

Cloaca

You know those crazy conversations you have when you're drunk......? Well after covering topics such as Panda Bear sex and the size of Chotis's penis, K-dizzle decided to bring it up a notch and started going on about 'Cloacas'. A Cloaca is the all purpose hole birds and reptiles have for shitting, pissing and laying eggs.

The next morning when we were well hung over I sent everyone this....

Chota-Pie

Chotis is our resident Hydrogeologist. He's a real nice guy - just ask his mum.

Notifications

Almost daily we get sent notifications letting us know all about the latest thing we're not allowed to do.






These 2 notifications were stuck up above the mens urinals normally inhabited by inane safety facts. As these same urinals are used by the Mine Manager, various superintentents and a host of other arseholes they didn't last longer than a few hours

This one I find especially funny.....