Dave, our senior planning engineer had decided to leave, For some this was a cause for celebration, for Russ ot was a call to arms.
You know how people steal garden gnomes and then send the owner postcards depicting the gnome in various tourist hotspots? Well Dave has a teapot. Russ took the postcard thing one step further and started send ing Dave ransom notes demanding he do various things as a sign of good faith, such as leaving out chocolate or not annoying people.
I gotta say I had minimal involvemnt but I did however get to write one or two ransom notes.....
Tue 3 August 2020
Dave, as you know we have your teapot. Your continueing failure to cooperate has left us with no choice. If you everwant to see it back in one peice again you must follow these instructions precisely. This is your last chance.
At 8:06pm tonight you must go to the ATM at the wet mess and attempt to withdraw $70. It won't work. There a girl from Sodexo will approach you. She will stand out as she has all her teeth and her natural hair colour. Don't
worry, she has been instructed to watch for the tall geeky engineer with the big head. You will say to her"My card hasn't worked since I bought those Birckenstock Deck Shoes". She will say "It must be hard to find matching knee-high socks" to which you will reply "No, I get them cheap at Rivers". She will then lead you into the cool room and lock the door behind you. Under a pallet of Coronas you will find a trapdoor. Open this and follow the tunnel to Joinsy's room. DO NOT TOUCH THE SOCK ON THE FLOOR.
In the northwest corner you will see a stck of Picture magazines under a half eaten chicken roll. The 3rd magazine from the bottom only has 2 pages which aren't stuck together. Combine the age of the Home Girl on the 1st page with 2nd letter of the vegetable mentioned on the other page and go to this room. Here you will find a black leather attache case, a Take 5 book and some cold seafood curry form 3 nights ago. Fill out a Take 5 for night driving and eat the curry. Its going to be a long night.
Take the LV parked outside and drive to the main admin building. Inside the attache case you will find $50 and a copy of Ironsafe Standard 3.8 for Mobile Equipment and Competancies. Sitting on the deck outside you will see a cleaner smoking. After he asks you if there are any positions available you will request he unlocks the door. You will give him the dollar amount corresponding to the age you first lost your virginity and the remaining 20 is for you. Inside Ironsafe Std 3.8 you will find a particular subclause highlighted in green. Tune the office radio to the same number as this subclause, press the button down for 3 seconds and say"The pale man has arrived", then cool like a pidgeon. Wait 3 more seconds the release the button. This will be the signal.
Outside a white Prado with no numbers on the side will pull up. Get in. The driver may try and distract you with questions such as "How did you contribute to the safe week" and "Where's all the High Grade" but you must remain focused.
On your way up to the ROM you will stop at the CSI haul road. The number of the 2nd truck to cross your path will match one of the ROM lockers. Inside this locker you will find a blindfold and an envelope containing something which feels remarkably like a contract to stay on an extra year. Put on the blindfold. Immediately you will feel a pair of burly hands spin you around several times. You may or may not be slapped on the arse and asked who your daddy is.
You will then be driven to a secret location where you will be met by a man with high waisted pants and a European accent. Open the envelope, sign the paperwork and give it to this man. The last thing you will remeber is a sharp crack on the back of your head.
When you awake the next morning it will be 4:47am and the teapot will be on your side table next to your copy of 'Long Term Planning for Dummies'.
The Potnapper
Wed 4 August 2010
We found a Sodexo girl with all her teeth but unfortunately she was unable to navigate from the ATM to the cool room. I think the door confused her. Also due to our inability to find a mag in Joinsy's room with any free pages you have been granted one more day of clemency.
The Teapot is being held in a secret location where the Ironsafe Standard 13.9 governing the humane treatment of gay kitchen ornaments does not apply. You will recieve further instructions tomorrow.
The Potnapper
Thur 5 August 2010
Your refusal to cooperate has left us with no other choice.
You won't be able to beg your way out of this one. Beers won't work either. Not even a nudie run around the village will suffice.....
The Potnapper
